(upbeat folk music) (gentle upbeat music) (dog barks) - Come on, Jock.

(dog barks) (Hamish sighs) (Hamish whistles) Daft dog.

What have you got there Jock?

(gentle pensive music) (gentle upbeat music) - [Bus Driver] Last house on your left.

- [Gavin] Thanks very much.

(gentle reflective music) (truck engine whirring) - [Hamish] Hi, Deidre.

- Well, hello, Hamish.

I thought you were the Major.

Go away in.

I'm just about to throttle a hen.

(chicken clucking) - It's a lovely view of the bay there.

- That's great.

- [Esme] So, you'll be here for the walking?

- I thought I'd give it a try.

- Hm.

Will you be staying long Mr., um?

- Robb.

I'm sorry.

I don't know yet.

- That's all right.

You just let me know.

"G." Now, that would be for George, would it?

- Gavin.

- Ah.

- [Gavin] Is that Lochdubh Island out there?

- [Esme] Oh, yes.

Yes, it is.

Ah-ha.

It will be the bird watching as well, will it?

- [Gavin] Maybe.

- [Hamish] So was he late back?

- No.

No, I don't think he's overdue.

He's only been gone three weeks.

- Well, three weeks is a pretty long time for a fishing trip, Deidre, even for your brother.

- Oh, the Rose is a good boat, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.

- Rose.

That was the name of his wife, eh?

- Aye.

She passed on about, oh, four years now.

- Hm.

Well, anyway, the thing is I really should report this to the Coast Guard.

It was a pretty bad storm the other night.

- Och, there's no need to worry yourself, Hamish.

He lost a couple of life belts last year.

- [Hamish] Did he?

- It was probably one of them.

- Och, well, you're probably right.

But if you hear anything you'll let me know, okay?

(gentle music) Where was that storm from the other night, John?

- Eh?

Oh, a nor'wester.

Oh, a real stinker it was too.

Is her Ladyship away then?

- Away for a walk.

Inspiration.

Northwest.

Was that right?

Did you say you saw a flare over by the island?

- Well, I couldn't be sure one way or the other.

Anyway, there's nobody missing, is there?

- Well, Murdo Meiklejohn maybe.

- Murdo?

- I think I'll take a look out there in the morning.

- How are you going to get over there?

- Hitch a lift with Barney in the Fat Chance.

- Oh, I don't think that's a very good idea.

- [Hamish] Why?

- Well, I hear the wildlife trips are very popular.

There might not be room.

- Ach, away, I heard the exact opposite.

- Oh, well, you know best.

(birds cawing) - Day's work never done, eh, John?

- [John] Aye.

Bin men come tomorrow.

- What would we do without you?

(birds cawing) - [Isobel] U-A, Barney.

- What's that?

- Guaranteed, U-A.

Not A-U.

- Aye, right!

Fine.

- You weren't guaranteeing anything last week.

- Ah, but this is a marketing concept, you know?

- Oh, yeah?

- Done this course in Inverness, "The Maximization of Consumer Expectation."

- Oh, well, I think I'll have a ticket for your inaugural cruise, then.

Can't wait to see these guaranteed eagles and whales.

Must be good copy in that, eh, Lachie?

- Aye, must be.

What's up with her?

- If you don't know that, you're dafter than you look.

It's you lot's the matter with her.

- [Lachie] I never touched her.

- Lachie, you are dafter than you look.

- Barney, I need a word!

(upbeat folk music) (door knocking) - Hi, Isobel.

I was just looking for Flora.

- She just popped out.

- [Alex] Oh.

Any idea how long she'll be?

- No.

Can I help?

- No.

Well, she didn't leave a package for me, by any chance?

- Um, I don't know, I'll have a look.

Um.

Is this it?

(bag rustling) - Yes.

Oh, isn't it sweet?

Thanks!

Bye.

(door clunking) (people chattering) - I tried to put him off, but he was determined.

- Shoulda tried harder.

- Oh, you don't know the problem... Oh, Hamish, I was just telling Barney here that you wanted to go on the trip in the morning.

- Yeah, that's right, if you don't mind, Barney?

I'm a wee bit concerned about Murdo Meiklejohn.

- I heard you found the life belt- - You can keep him out of trouble while I'm away, Barney.

I'm going to Glasgow, be a godmother.

(suspenseful music) - Can I help you?

- Thank you, I'll have a pint of your best.

- Sure.

(upbeat folk music) (Hamish chuckles) - What do you think?

- Very nice.

Think the minister might be a bit shocked, though.

- You're so conventional!

- I know.

It's a class thing.

- Why don't you come?

You know, say hello to the baby.

There's loads of people would love to meet you.

- (sighs) It's just not my cup of tea, babe.

- What is your cup of tea?

(birds chirping) (clock chiming) - [Gavin] Morning.

- Hm.

Fine morning for birdwatching.

You'll be looking for the lesser spotted siver diver, no doubt.

- Yes.

- [Esme] Mr. Robb, you're an early bird.

- Gavin, please.

- Full breakfast.

I have a lovely spot of bacon, sausage, egg, blood pudding.

- Sounds delicious, Mrs. Murray, but I'm away off out.

- Oh!

- I'm sure your other gentleman's in for a treat, though.

I'll see you later.

- Yes.

Bye, then, Gavin.

- If he's a birdwatcher, I'm a monkey's auntie.

- Och, away.

(hand slaps) Speaking of birds, could you go some poached eggs, Mr. Campbell?

- Eh, what?

- Eggs?

Nice, slow, three-minute poached eggs.

- Three minutes?

- [Esme] Mm.

- That would be grand.

- [Alex] Bye.

See you tonight.

- Bye.

(engine roaring) (birds cawing) - That's Alex away, then, is it?

- Aye.

(sighs) - Did she make you up a piece?

- John, Alex and I's relationship is based on, like, mutual respect, not catering.

- I thought so, here you are.

- (tuts) John.

- There's a bit of tongue in there.

And there's a flask of tea.

- [Hamish] Aye, aye, aye.

- And there's a couple of Jammie Dodgers there as well.

(Hamish sighs) (birds squawking) (Barney humming) - [Agnes] Barney!

- Yes?

- It's arrived!

(letter rustling) Och, well, not to worry.

- Bad news?

- A bill.

- Aye, I know, I swear to God, it'll be a balaclava and pinning my scarf at the back next.

(water lapping) Paucity drives work to sea.

- [Barney] Excuse me.

Make way for your captain, please.

- Go ahead, Torquil, ask your question.

- Are you sure we're going to see whales?

- That's what the sign says, pal, guaranteed.

You'll see whales.

- There.

Now, let's have a look at this.

(water burbling) (watch alarm pinging) (motor sputtering) - Gently does it.

Just step down.

- Thank you.

- There you are, sonny, just give me...

Right.

- All right there, Agnes?

- Hello, Hamish.

Ham and tongue.

- [Barney] Right, thanks.

Be back about 5:00 Agnes, okay?

- All right.

- [Barney] Gently does it, now.

Easy.

There we are.

- Did you know that an adult blue whale has seven-liter testicles?

- (chuckles) Well, I must confess to being ignorant of that fact up until now.

- And its penis is nine foot long.

- Nobody we know.

(dramatic bagpipe music) Oh, come on, Barney!

- No, no, no.

It's something we covered on the course in Inverness.

Audio-visual ambiance.

Tourists love it!

- You know, someday we're going to do something in this country because we love it.

(boat engine whirring) (birds cawing) - Hang on, Barney!

Barney!

Oh, damn.

- Let's have a look at this.

Right.

(motor sputtering) (Lachie grunts) Come on.

(motor sputtering) (Lachie grunts) Come on.

(motor sputtering) (motor sputtering) (Lachie grunts) Come on.

Come on.

(motor sputtering) (Lachie grunting) - Be with you in a minute, Kate.

Yeah, I also do a nice home-cured ham and some soup from the stock.

I bake my own bread too.

- Sounds great.

How, uh... How's long is the boat trip?

- [Agnes] Uh, all day.

Why?

- I thought I might give it a try next week.

- Planning on staying a while, then, are you?

(glasses clinking) - I hope so, yes.

- (chuckles) Good.

- [Barney] We'll just get you round the headland, then it's full steam ahead to Lochdubh Island!

Land of sea, sand, and mystery.

- [Tourist] Sounds lovely!

(bright music) - Over there to our left, you can see the world-famous Lochdubh light.

Built in 1882, its guiding light is a torch of comfort to all in peril on the storm-tossed seas.

As you can see, birdlife abounds in the fecund waters off Lochdubh.

Here is a colony of our local shags.

There, over to your left, the majestic eagle.

- Looks like a buzzard.

- No, it's not a buzzard, it's an eagle.

- We haven't seen many whales yet.

- For god's sake!

- Is it a minke you're expecting?

- No, it's not a minke.

Just don't you go dangling your feet in the water, sonny, in case.

- A killer?

- All right.

(Lachie grunting) (boat engine whirring) - Is that not Lachie Jr. over there?

- So it is.

- Looks like he's needing some help.

- Nah, he'll be fine.

- Well, he disnae look fine.

- Well, I can't stop now.

I've got passengers.

We'll see you on the way back!

- Sorry, yeah, there's some beautiful walks up round by the headland.

- [Gavin] You go round there yourself, do you?

- Used to.

Don't get a chance much these days.

- Oh, that's a shame.

(cash register rattling) Listen, maybe you could take me round there sometime, show me the sights.

- Me?

- [Gavin] If you're not too busy, that is.

When's your day off?

- The 29th of February.

- You know, that's the best plate of soup I've ever tasted.

- Wait till you see my sticky toffee pudding.

(bright upbeat music) - There we are.

Some lovely gray seals.

(seals yapping) - They aren't gray!

- Of course, they're gray.

You can see they're gray.

- They're common.

- What?

- Everyone knows that common seals are gray and rare.

And that gray seals are black and common.

(seals yapping) - Really?

I'll have to remember that next time.

- And there aren't whales either.

- You'll see whales.

- When?

- About half three, actually.

(seals yapping) - Excuse me.

I'm a vegan.

Have you no salad?

No?

And you call yourself conservationists.

- Over there.

- [Barney] What?

- Well, the life belt ended up over there.

- There's a six-knot tide runs through there and there.

Could have come from anywhere.

- Ach, well, I suppose if old Miss Meiklejohn's no' bothered.

- [Barney] Tongue?

- No, thanks.

I think I'll stick to the, uh, tongue.

- Didnae fancy a trip to Glasgow, then?

- Polite conversation, suit and tie, chattering about babies, no thanks.

- Alex getting broody, eh?

- No!

No, no way.

Are you joking?

- Fair enough, fair enough.

- Tell me.

Was it like a conscious decision?

- What?

- Well, yourself and Agnes, not having any kids.

- Conscious decision?

Tell you the truth, Hamish, me and Agnes have been trying to start a family for years.

It's from the hospital.

It's me.

I'm firing blanks.

Agnes is no spring chicken.

Don't mind telling you, Hamish, that things are a tad rocky between us at the moment.

- Ach, you'll be fine.

- No' fine!

Scared she'll leave me.

- (scoffs) Barney, man, Agnes is one of the best.

There's more to life than having kids, surely?

- Try telling her that.

- You ever thought of adoption?

- Oi, mister!

When are we gonna see these whales?

- Maybe no'.

- So, when Barney got his redundancy money through, we sold up and came here.

- That's incredible.

- Mm.

(sighs) I know this sounds stupid, but I've got a feeling I've met you somewhere before.

Have you ever been- - No!

No, I don't think so.

I'll see you later.

- [Bar Patron] Hiya.

Excuse me, Agnes.

- [Agnes] Hiya.

(engine revving) (Lachie grunts) - Yes!

- What are we stopping for?

- This is whale country.

- Look, look!

(dramatic music) Look.

Whale!

A killer whale!

- [Tourist] That's fantastic.

- [Tourist] Look at the size of its fin!

- [Barney] Always makes me feel a wee bit humbled.

(gears clanking) - Oh, no!

(engine sputtering) - Look, it's diving!

Hey, it's diving!

- What?

(water splashing) - Barney!

(engine hissing) (all gasping) Seriously, this is why you didn't want me here, eh?

- Just get that motor started.

(dramatic music continues) - Is that a trick you teached it, mister?

- [Lachie] It's caught on something!

- Well done, Lachie, you big ape!

(rope creaking) (rope popping) (water bubbling) I'll kill him!

(boat engine revving) I'll kill him!

(boat engine whirring) (water sploshing) (gentle suspenseful music) (birds chirping) (water splashing) (water splashing) (tourists chattering) - And you should be ashamed of yourself, getting involved in defrauding children.

- Yeah, I know.

- I never claimed it was a real whale.

- My daddy's a QC.

- Thought he might be.

- In my opinion, we have a prima facie case against you.

- For fraud!

- Listen, kid, you got your money back, beat it.

(Barney sighs) Barney, I'm all for giving the tourists what they want the same as the next man, but please, gonnae no embarrass me.

- Dammit, Hamish, I'm just trying to make a living.

- [Hamish] TV John involved in this, yeah?

- Aye, helped me rig it up.

I cannae hack the tourists, Hamish.

Think they'll sue?

Hamish!

- What?

- The punters, will they sue?

- What do I know about the law?

I'm just a polis.

- Right!

I'm on the phone to that course in Inverness.

- [Hamish] For what?

- I want a refund!

(upbeat folk music) (rope clatters) (Barney muttering) (wardrobe door clunking) (gentle music) So you tell Lachie Jr.

I'm after his hide.

And as for that winch you conned me into hiring.

- That was a perfectly good winch, boy.

- A lager, Barney.

- Hamish.

- Anyway, with the money you're paying, what else can you expect?

- Pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

- Hey, now, hold on a minute there, now, John.

- You deliberately went away without me, Barney Meldrum.

- Good evening to you too, Isobel!

- Oh, and as for you, there's a Mrs. Lucinda McLorg and her son, Torquil, have been at me about police corruption.

And fraudulent whales.

Anything to say, PC Macbeth?

Oh, I'll take that as a "no comment" then.

- Can I get anyone a drink?

(door slamming) - I'll have a pint of your best, please, Agnes.

(truck motor revving) - Isobel, look, it's a storm in a teacup.

- Yeah, well, it's a damn good storm in a teacup.

- I cannot believe you.

Why can't you just give the man a break?

- I'm away to see Mrs. McLorg.

She's talking interim interdicts.

- Well, the best of luck.

- I'm telling you, boy, there's nothing wrong with that winch.

Something else must have gone wrong.

- Talk about winching.

- [Gavin] That's not what he said to me.

(both laughing) (glass clattering) I'm telling you, it's the truth.

- Barney, was there not something the pulley could have got caught on?

- What?

No, no, no, I sunk it at low tide.

- [John] Well, maybe, we should go and have a wee look at it, eh?

- Ah, not tonight, we don't.

Barney, I advise you to give the whales a rest for the time being.

With a bit of luck, this is all gonna blow over.

(both chuckling) - I'll see you next time.

- Okay.

All right.

- Right you are.

(dog barking) (cow mooing) (knife scraping) (parcel rustling) (gentle suspenseful music) Staying at Esme's, I hear?

- [Gavin] Aye.

- [Hamish] Nice, quiet wee place, Lochdubh, eh?

- [Gavin] Uh-huh.

- I'd like to keep it that way.

(door hatch clatters) (door hatch slams) A good day?

- Yeah, great.

Jane's looking wonderful.

And little Alice, she's a darling.

- Aye.

Aye.

Alex, um, (clears throat) you're not, uh... Well, I mean, I know that women sometimes feel a bit...

Right, you know, like, when their pals start having babies and stuff?

- (laughs) Hamish Macbeth, do I detect a man who's getting broody?

- No!

(laughs) No, I was, uh...

I was just saying.

- If it ever happens, Hamish, I'll stand by you.

- That's what I wanted to know.

(cows mooing) - Agnes?

- [Agnes] Mm?

(Barney sighs) (cows mooing) - Have you seen the vet's number anywhere, boy?

Beasts are acting mighty queer.

- Oh, aye?

- Aye, they're chucking that hay down like there's no tomorrow.

- They shouldn't be hungry.

I fed them with the cattle cake last night.

- What cattle cake?

Right.

Watch it, my boy.

Wait for the clutch, boy, clutch.

Hey, now, watch yourself.

(puddle splashing) Watch this corner!

Watch yourself!

(tires screeching) (handbrake cranking) (door knocking) Hello!

Hamish!

- Oh, coming!

For heaven's sake?

- Is Hamish about?

- Hamish!

- Has somebody died?

- Hamish!

- That's why the wheel stopped.

(both chattering) And then the next thing I know, I saw this package just floating up.

- Will you shut up!

Come on in.

Come on.

- Here, boy.

(lighter clicks) (Hamish inhaling) (Hamish sniffing) - [Hamish] Hm.

(exhales) - Don't need forensic in Inverness for that.

- (inhales) Well, congratulations, Lachie.

There's not many young people would hand this kind of thing over to the police.

- So, it'll be drug squad, eh?

- Customs and Excise.

- Special branch.

The whole place will be swarming.

- There's nae need to panic.

I mean, look at it.

It's a 1/4 ounce of Moroccan hash.

I mean, it's hardly the bust of the decade, is it?

Is this all that's left?

- I'm afraid so.

But I've got a barn full of very happy heifers.

- (inhales) It just floated up?

- Aye.

Just offshore, Hamish.

Think the rope must have got snagged in something and then, you know, floated up.

- Aye.

But it could be a drop.

- A what?

- Well, a drop, I mean this stuff could have been smuggled out through Spain or Africa.

And it's dumped underwater and left there.

- And where there's a drop there's a pickup.

- That's very true.

(door knocking) - Mr. Robb?

(door knocking) Gavin?

- Agnes?

We're gonna have to talk about this.

(Barney sighs) (gentle suspenseful music) - Hi, Esme.

- Hamish, you haven't seen that nice young man, have you?

- No, why?

- Mysterious disappearance.

Walked out on Esme's breakfast.

I had him down as a chanty-wrastler.

- And is this you in for your breakfast too, Rory?

- I just popped in, aye.

- Esme did anything strike you as unusual about this guy?

- No, no.

He was charming.

He asked about the island and Barney's boat.

- [Rory] Well, he asked me about the boat as well, Hamish.

What's up, Hamish?

- Classified information, Rory.

- He's a drug smuggler.

He's got a big drop planned off Lochdubh Island.

- Calm, boy.

Calm, calm.

- A drop?

What kind of drop?

- Havenae see Agnes on your travels, have you?

- No.

- No.

- [Lachlan] No.

- What's all this, carol singing?

- It's a drug stakeout.

- Hamish and I are going out to see what's going on.

- [Lachie] So are we.

- Me too.

- I'm your man.

- I'll just get my- - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Stop right there.

None of you are coming with me, okay?

(gentle suspenseful music) - [Rory] Did you switch off the gas, Esme?

I can't remember if you left the oven on.

Thank you.

- We'll go along the beach.

The view there is fantastic.

- Lead on.

(birds chirping) - Well, seeing as how you're here, you might as well help.

Barney, you got a knife there?

- I'll get it.

(birds cawing) - There, boy.

(knife scraping) (rope snaps) Now, make a loop, boy.

- Mm-hm.

- Get the end of the rope.

- [Lachie] Mm-hm.

- Kid on it's a rabbit.

Goes out of the hole, round the tree, back down the hole again.

Pull tight.

Plonker.

- Any joy, Hamish?

- No, nothing.

- Ah, well, there's only one thing for it, then.

- Oi, you, be careful down there.

(water splashing) (water whooshing) - Are you happy, Agnes?

- Happy?

What's happy?

- You know, happy.

- Happy comes in wee bits.

I'm happy when a pie turns out right.

(chuckles) Happy when the VAT balances at the end of the quarter.

Are you happy?

- No.

No, I'm not.

I'm scared stiff.

- What have you got to be scared about?

- I'm sorry.

I'm making such a mess of this.

I wanted it to be so perfect.

(gentle thoughtful music) There's something I have to tell you.

Something I have to say.

- Shh!

(tense music) (gentle pensive music) - It was John Wayne, I'm telling you.

And a big squid come up and strangled him.

- Mm.

Jeanette MacDonald as well.

Was it the "Barbary Coast"?

- No, no, that was Edward G. Robinson and Miriam Hopkins.

- I remember, great big tentacles it had.

Grabbed Wayne's helmet.

- Excuse me, do you mind?

(water whooshing) - And there was that bit in "The Abyss" where the boy come up and died of the bends.

(Lachie laughing) - [Lachlan] Aye.

And his whole body literally exploded.

What was it he said again?

- Kill him!

I'll kill him!

- No, no.

No, I don't think it was that, Barney!

(boat rumbles) (water gurgling) (boat motor whirring) (Esme screaming) - Where are you doing, Barney?

- Barney!

Barney!

- Dad!

Daddy!

Dad!

Daddy!

- I'll kill him!

- Barney!

- I'll kill him!

- Barney!

- I'll kill him!

- [Lachlan] Come on, Barney!

- What are you doing?

- Barney!

- [Barney] I'll kill him!

I'll kill him!

(all yelling) Stay right there!

Stay right there, you wee- - Barney?

(all yelling) - [Alex] John, hold onto him!

- [Barney] Don't you move!

- John, where is he?

- I know your game, pal!

- Hamish!

(water splashing) - [John] Where is he?

- Hamish!

Hamish!

- Alex, I can't swim.

- Stay right there!

You swine!

She's mine, do you hear?

Mine!

And I'll knock the head off any man that comes near her!

- [Gavin] Look, it's not what it seems.

- Put your dukes up, damn you!

- [Agnes] All right.

Stop it, Barney, stop it!

- No, I'll not stop it.

I saw you in that red dress and I thought, "What a stoater."

- [Lachlan] Barney!

- You're worth fighting for, Agnes.

And no toyboy fancy pants man is gonna take you away from me!

Go on, put your dukes up!

You wee toerag, think you can walk into my town.

She's my wife!

Stay right there, pal!

I know what you're game.

(water splashing) I'm gonna ram his head that far up- - He's not my toyboy!

He's my son.

My son.

- What?

- I had him when I was 16.

I was just a kid myself.

They made me give him away.

- You never said!

How'd you never say?

- I couldn't.

I wanted to but I couldn't!

I'm sorry, Barney.

I'm really sorry.

- All the years.

All the tests, you knew it was me!

- Aye.

- But why?

- I love you, Barney.

I wanted... Hoped...

I wanted you to keep your dignity.

- Oh, God!

(sobbing) (water splashing) - Help me!

Somebody, help me!

Hamish!

- [Lachie] It's Alex.

- I can't find him!

- Don't just stand there, go!

- Oh, my God!

- What's happening?

- Come on, Lachie, that's me boy!

- [Alex] He's gone.

I can't find him!

- Get Alex.

(water splashing) (group chattering) Quiet!

Quiet!

- Listen to Lachie.

- Hamish!

- Listen.

Quiet!

(wood tapping) Over there!

- Hamish!

- Hamish!

- Hamish?

(wood tapping) (men grunting) (water bubbles) - Did we win?

(boat engine whirring) - People do terrible things when they're desperate.

He couldn't let the boat be repossessed.

It was his last link with Rose.

- How many trips had he done?

- Just one.

Stupid, stupid man.

All that distance.

And he sinks off Lochdubh.

(chuckles) (birds cawing) (men grunting) - Has he put on weight?

- Come on.

Keep that end up, boy.

- Hang on!

Watch my finger there.

- Steady now.

- Easy, easy.

- That's us, then, Miss Meiklejohn.

- Let him go, boys.

Send him home.

(water splashing) Thank you, Hamish, for keeping this quiet.

(gentle thoughtful music) (reef splashing) (boat engine whirring) - Mind you, it's a hell of a waste of good cattle cake.

(lively folk music) (upbeat folk music)